Equal Time for Dad


While enjoying a summer evening on the front porch with Dad recently, the conversation turned to what folks might want in their coffin. Without hesitation Dad said, "A case of beer, a bottle of Crown Royal and a Victoria's Secret catalog and you already know what song I want played at the memorial."  Frank Sinatra was the man and My Way said it perfectly.

Dad, also known as Norm or Doc, is hands down the silliest character of The Yatko Chronicles.  When he wasn't performing his tub-aerobics routine or watching basketball while enjoying a beer, Dad was in charge of fun. Sunday afternoons he packed the neighborhood kids like sardines in the backseat of his T-Bird for a trip to the local skating rink. Norm was no Apolo Anton Ono so it was common to see him sailing out of control into walls, over railings and once straight through a door that led to the furnace room only to emerge minutes later covered in cobwebs and dust wearing a goofy, sooty grin. 

Norm, an animal lover, welcomed each new pet with open arms even though occasionally one of those critters would sink their teeth into one of his appendages.  When we found a neglected poodle, he spent hours trimming away the matted fur that blinded the little dog.  However, he had to start wearing boots when that pooch routinely tried to take a chunk out of his toes.  He didn't even complain (well maybe a little) when Huey, our attack cat, latched onto his arm like a lion on a wildebeest. Poor Norm ran around the room frantically waving his arm trying to dislodge the crazy cat, but by later in the day when his arm stopped bleeding, all was forgotten.


Although everyone knows him as a jokester, there's also the side the makes him so special. He was the father who left an office full of patients because his daughter was crying her heart out over a wounded baby rabbit. Fitting people with glasses is a far cry from performing delicate surgery on a bunny, but he gave it his best shot. Sadly, the rabbit didn't make it, but a little girl will never forget her daddy trying.  He was also the husband who took care of his bedridden wife during the final months of her life, going to the office without a shower, wearing a baseball cap to hide his messy hair so he could quickly return to be by her side.

At almost 82 years young, Dad is a very rich man. He doesn't have a big bank account, fancy house or expensive car.  His wealth comes in the form of love from his family and friends and treasured memories. However, because of the onset of Alzheimer's Disease, those memories are a little hazy now.  So while sitting on his front porch enjoying a can of his favorite beverage and waving to the neighbors who always give a big shout out NORM as they pass by, it makes me incredibly happy to remind him of those good times while I write The Yatko Chronicles.

This one's for you, Daddy...

The Cast of Characters

Let's face it...most families are a little goofy.  While some choose to hide their weirdness, we embraced it.  I mean we had to with a motley crew like this living under one roof.  There was Boris, an old dude who lived in our basement with his pet cricket, Gram in the spare room letting lose with blood curdling screams at 3.a.m., Dad depleting the ozone and local water supply with his can of hairspray and tub-aerobics routine, Mom routinely setting fire to the kitchen, among other things, and me providing an unending stream of homeless, bedraggled animals to add to the insanity.  Here's a brief synopsis of the gang, but trust me, there's so much more...

Mom/Elja/Eleanor -  Elja, a platinum blonde with huge boobs, used her good looks and smarts to amass a band of followers to aid and abet her in schemes ranging from rescuing people and critters to planning outrageous parties and Christmas displays that could be seen from the space station.  She  often set things on fire including the kitchen & piles of leaves, using cooking oil to ignite both.  Mom was the straight, sarcastic half to Dad's constant silliness. Her mood could be gauged by the speed of her rocker...slow and easy, all is right with the world; fast and furious, somebody was in t-r-o-u-b-l-e.

Dad/Norm/Doc - The happy-go-lucky optometrist raised in Yatko's Tavern loved two things from a very early age--basketball and beer. We're hoping the love of beer came later than depicted here.





Norm was a collector of "antiques" though the folks at the Antique Road Show probably wouldn't  consider his collection of radios without knobs a treasure. He not only invented tub-aerobics, but also commode capers, taking multitasking to a new level.  Lacking any mechanical ability whatsoever, Norm's tool of choice was his handy dandy roll of duct tape.  However, we had to convince him patching sidewalk cracks with it was unacceptable.  Easy-going Dad never complained about the abundance of animals running around the house unless of course they attached themselves to his arm, pooped on his head, or one of them happened to be a snake at which time he would scream like a little girl and promptly pass out.

Jackie Ann/Jack/Jacqueline - Extreme animal lover who in her early years even had imaginary animal friends until she was quick enough and sneaky enough to catch real ones.  She spent her young years channeling Dr. Doolittle searching for strays or wounded critters of all species to rescue.  She wore roller skates everywhere she went and hummed along to Elvis Presley tunes as she fully intended to marry him some day. Jackie Ann also spoke with a vocabulary beyond her years in an effort to confuse Gram whose constant use of Polish drove her insane. Although she didn't always understand some of the words she used, it brought her great delight telling Gram she was peevish since Gram thought it meant she had a leaky bladder.







Lena/Gram - Deposited at the bottom of the driveway by a car that took off like a NASCAR champion, Gram came to stay for a short time because of losing her sight to cataracts.  However, she never left even after the problem was fixed and she saw EVERY SINGLE THING that went on in our house and loved to squeal on little kids who hid baby animals under their bed.  Perpetually cranky with a cloud of white fuzzy hair circling her grimacing face, toothless and bug eyed from her thick glasses, she was a real treat to live with especially when yodeling in the middle of the night during one of her nightmares or to wake up Dad to come scratch her elbow. 

Boris  - One of mom's people rescues, a down on his luck former carpenter with nowhere to go, Mom made a room for him in our basement. Boris became the handyman in exchange for a place to stay, home cooked meals, and some TV time watching his favorite coyote try to pulverize that pesky roadrunner, laughing so hard he'd start wheezing like a cat with a humongous hairball.  He fit right in with his pet cricket he fed from a bottle cap and due to the fact after a can of beer or two, he had  conversations with his sister Helen who just happened to be DEAD.  He also served as entertainment, playing a mean harmonica while Shaggy, our eye patch wearing dog, sang along...Bruce and the E Street Band never really had any competition from those two.

Coming up...more wacky characters, the menagerie of animals plus stories from the valley including the bopkee network!