Equal Time for Dad


While enjoying a summer evening on the front porch with Dad recently, the conversation turned to what folks might want in their coffin. Without hesitation Dad said, "A case of beer, a bottle of Crown Royal and a Victoria's Secret catalog and you already know what song I want played at the memorial."  Frank Sinatra was the man and My Way said it perfectly.

Dad, also known as Norm or Doc, is hands down the silliest character of The Yatko Chronicles.  When he wasn't performing his tub-aerobics routine or watching basketball while enjoying a beer, Dad was in charge of fun. Sunday afternoons he packed the neighborhood kids like sardines in the backseat of his T-Bird for a trip to the local skating rink. Norm was no Apolo Anton Ono so it was common to see him sailing out of control into walls, over railings and once straight through a door that led to the furnace room only to emerge minutes later covered in cobwebs and dust wearing a goofy, sooty grin. 

Norm, an animal lover, welcomed each new pet with open arms even though occasionally one of those critters would sink their teeth into one of his appendages.  When we found a neglected poodle, he spent hours trimming away the matted fur that blinded the little dog.  However, he had to start wearing boots when that pooch routinely tried to take a chunk out of his toes.  He didn't even complain (well maybe a little) when Huey, our attack cat, latched onto his arm like a lion on a wildebeest. Poor Norm ran around the room frantically waving his arm trying to dislodge the crazy cat, but by later in the day when his arm stopped bleeding, all was forgotten.


Although everyone knows him as a jokester, there's also the side the makes him so special. He was the father who left an office full of patients because his daughter was crying her heart out over a wounded baby rabbit. Fitting people with glasses is a far cry from performing delicate surgery on a bunny, but he gave it his best shot. Sadly, the rabbit didn't make it, but a little girl will never forget her daddy trying.  He was also the husband who took care of his bedridden wife during the final months of her life, going to the office without a shower, wearing a baseball cap to hide his messy hair so he could quickly return to be by her side.

At almost 82 years young, Dad is a very rich man. He doesn't have a big bank account, fancy house or expensive car.  His wealth comes in the form of love from his family and friends and treasured memories. However, because of the onset of Alzheimer's Disease, those memories are a little hazy now.  So while sitting on his front porch enjoying a can of his favorite beverage and waving to the neighbors who always give a big shout out NORM as they pass by, it makes me incredibly happy to remind him of those good times while I write The Yatko Chronicles.

This one's for you, Daddy...

The Cast of Characters

Let's face it...most families are a little goofy.  While some choose to hide their weirdness, we embraced it.  I mean we had to with a motley crew like this living under one roof.  There was Boris, an old dude who lived in our basement with his pet cricket, Gram in the spare room letting lose with blood curdling screams at 3.a.m., Dad depleting the ozone and local water supply with his can of hairspray and tub-aerobics routine, Mom routinely setting fire to the kitchen, among other things, and me providing an unending stream of homeless, bedraggled animals to add to the insanity.  Here's a brief synopsis of the gang, but trust me, there's so much more...

Mom/Elja/Eleanor -  Elja, a platinum blonde with huge boobs, used her good looks and smarts to amass a band of followers to aid and abet her in schemes ranging from rescuing people and critters to planning outrageous parties and Christmas displays that could be seen from the space station.  She  often set things on fire including the kitchen & piles of leaves, using cooking oil to ignite both.  Mom was the straight, sarcastic half to Dad's constant silliness. Her mood could be gauged by the speed of her rocker...slow and easy, all is right with the world; fast and furious, somebody was in t-r-o-u-b-l-e.

Dad/Norm/Doc - The happy-go-lucky optometrist raised in Yatko's Tavern loved two things from a very early age--basketball and beer. We're hoping the love of beer came later than depicted here.





Norm was a collector of "antiques" though the folks at the Antique Road Show probably wouldn't  consider his collection of radios without knobs a treasure. He not only invented tub-aerobics, but also commode capers, taking multitasking to a new level.  Lacking any mechanical ability whatsoever, Norm's tool of choice was his handy dandy roll of duct tape.  However, we had to convince him patching sidewalk cracks with it was unacceptable.  Easy-going Dad never complained about the abundance of animals running around the house unless of course they attached themselves to his arm, pooped on his head, or one of them happened to be a snake at which time he would scream like a little girl and promptly pass out.

Jackie Ann/Jack/Jacqueline - Extreme animal lover who in her early years even had imaginary animal friends until she was quick enough and sneaky enough to catch real ones.  She spent her young years channeling Dr. Doolittle searching for strays or wounded critters of all species to rescue.  She wore roller skates everywhere she went and hummed along to Elvis Presley tunes as she fully intended to marry him some day. Jackie Ann also spoke with a vocabulary beyond her years in an effort to confuse Gram whose constant use of Polish drove her insane. Although she didn't always understand some of the words she used, it brought her great delight telling Gram she was peevish since Gram thought it meant she had a leaky bladder.







Lena/Gram - Deposited at the bottom of the driveway by a car that took off like a NASCAR champion, Gram came to stay for a short time because of losing her sight to cataracts.  However, she never left even after the problem was fixed and she saw EVERY SINGLE THING that went on in our house and loved to squeal on little kids who hid baby animals under their bed.  Perpetually cranky with a cloud of white fuzzy hair circling her grimacing face, toothless and bug eyed from her thick glasses, she was a real treat to live with especially when yodeling in the middle of the night during one of her nightmares or to wake up Dad to come scratch her elbow. 

Boris  - One of mom's people rescues, a down on his luck former carpenter with nowhere to go, Mom made a room for him in our basement. Boris became the handyman in exchange for a place to stay, home cooked meals, and some TV time watching his favorite coyote try to pulverize that pesky roadrunner, laughing so hard he'd start wheezing like a cat with a humongous hairball.  He fit right in with his pet cricket he fed from a bottle cap and due to the fact after a can of beer or two, he had  conversations with his sister Helen who just happened to be DEAD.  He also served as entertainment, playing a mean harmonica while Shaggy, our eye patch wearing dog, sang along...Bruce and the E Street Band never really had any competition from those two.

Coming up...more wacky characters, the menagerie of animals plus stories from the valley including the bopkee network!

A Tribute to Mom
             
Whether it was Eleanor, Elja by those closest to her, Aunt Elj by the neighborhood kids, or Mom by my friends, no matter what you called her, you couldn't help but love her.  She exemplified what being a mother was all about...taking care of others, making folks feel special, and feeding you until you thought you would burst. Together with Dad, they opened up our home to family, friends and furry creatures from the basement room fixed up for Boris, an old fellow who had nowhere to go, to Gram in the spare bedroom, and the stray animals filling up the rest of the space.  It didn't matter if you came to know her later in life or since childhood, like her cousin Walter pictured with her below, it was obvious to all this was one special lady.

 

A beautiful blonde with brown eyes and a full figure, you could easily understand why people were drawn to her, but it was her warmth and understanding, her generosity and kindness that kept everyone coming back...that and the fact she was one hell of a cook. Although Mom liked to dress up occasionally, fancy clothes or jewelry weren't important to her.  It was the people in her life that were her priority. The picture below is a rare glamour shot since she preferred dressing casually, most often in a muu-muu because in her words "it's comfortable and I don't have to wear anything under it."  However, when she decided to supervise Christmas decorations on the roof and discovered she was deathly afraid of heights as she clung to the chimney with her housecoat blowing in the breeze, she soon realized going commando wasn't such a hot idea.  Let's just say the moon in Sheatown that day was located right over our house.

From her rocker in the corner of the living room, she made you laugh with her wicked sense of humor, schemed with her cohorts about the next party or project, and devised plans with her friend Janice how to rescue another stray.  She also listened to your problems and offered advice, opinionated and to the point.  If you were treated poorly in a relationship, the conversation usually went like this: "Get rid of the son of bitch and find someone who makes you happy. Life is too short."  

When Mom said "I have a plan" the immediate response from Dad was "Cool your jets, Elja" because he knew it was going to cost him a bundle. She ignored Dad's warnings and transformed the little ranch house into their own paradise complete with a pool, outside bar and fireplace where she threw fabulous parties, treating her guests to her famous clam chowder and other homemade delights, plus there was always music and dancing, a must at any Yatko party.  

When her dear friend, Dr. Pilarek, told Mom she had cancer, she didn't ask about a prognosis.  In typical Mom fashion, she looked to Dad and said, "I don't want to leave you and Jackie. Who will take care of you?"  Well, the time had come for us to take care of Mom, traveling all over the northeast for surgery and chemotherapy.  After a stay at Sloan Kettering, where she charmed everyone, we returned home to find a gigantic welcome home sign created by the neighborhood kids hanging in the driveway. Although they spelled her name wrong, the tears streaming down her face were a clear indication of how much it meant to her.

She spent the final months of her life at home surrounded by what she held most dear...her family and friends, her rescued pets including her dog Lucky, Cousin Walter sitting by her side, lifelong friends Chet, Phyllis and Pat making frequent visits to comfort her.  We lost Mom on February 18 of 1990 and Dad said to me that day, "I'm glad we enjoyed life to the fullest.  Mommy certainly knew what she was doing."  So thanks, Mom, for giving us the memories that are The Yatko Chronicles.

Since Mom loved music, I'll end this with her favorite song that was playing the night she met Dad...where it all began.

Daunting but powerfully exciting...those were the words Henry Winkler tweeted when I asked him how it felt to be returning to Broadway for the first time in many years.  That's exactly how I feel now.  Determined to start a new chapter in my life after the age of 50 is definitely daunting, but then Henry also tweeted when I turned 50 that the best is yet to come, which is certainly powerfully exciting...although on certain days I can only do powerfully exciting after a long soak in a hot tub to get moving, but I power on.

If someone told me one day I'd be chatting with the biggest crush of my youth, Fonzie, I would have called them a crazy loon and yet here I sit quoting his words and drawing inspiration from him as an author.  If you haven't read his book "I Never Met an Idiot on the River" run out and buy it.  It's not just about fly fishing but life lessons and, no, I don't get a promotion fee from The Fonz, just the satisfaction of knowing you'll love it as much as I did.  Also for the kids, the Hank Zipzer and Ghost Buddy series are awesome.  Again no kickbacks...I swear.

Before I start Yatko Chronicles stories, I wanted to share with you how I got to this point.  People have been telling me for years I should write a humor book or this would make a hilarious sitcom.  I knew I had great material and started writing everything down, but enter life...a mortgage, full-time job, three dogs, a cat, husband, daughter...yep, I'll just put that on my list of to-do things, which is where it sat for the past decade. .

The Yatko Chronicles has taken on many forms over the past three years--cartoon strip, humor book, memoir, children's series, screenplay and some of those ideas are still in the works.  On the advice of professionals, while working on these other forms, it was suggested I share my stories with you through this blog, which is why I'm here.  My daughter and I had intended to launch the blog, a Twitter page about a very special eye patch wearing pooch, and a Yatko Chronicles Facebook page all on August 3, which would have been my mom's 86th birthday, but once again life and its unexpected complications popped up and family issues took priority.  My dad and stepmom have both had health issues.  I'm happy to report both are feeling much better.  So beginning next week, you'll be able to start reading parts of The Yatko Chronicles and get to know the cast of characters through stories, pictures, cartoons...the whole nine yards.  

Before I end this first post, I'd like to thank my very special friends on Twitter and Facebook for your encouragement, support and friendship.  Through Facebook I've reconnected with so many friends, life long and long lost, it would take forever to list them all since at last count there were 530.

When I started tweeting, it was just to promote The Yatko Chronicles, but I connected with folks from all over the country and around the world, including two incredibly special young people, Amanda and William, who always make me smile.  I'd like to mention all of my twitter friends here, but again, there are many.  You know who you are...your morning greetings start my day with a gigantic grin and I'm already looking forward to our awards season twittering...just a warning to certain tweeters: when George Clooney dumps Stacey, he's mine!!!!

Also, it has been so cool to chat with celebrities like Henry Winkler, Steven Weber, Robert Falls, Brenda Chapman and my favorite follower Robin Roberts.  When Robin followed me, I bounced out of my chair and sprinted to my dad's to share the news.  Now you have to understand Dad still watches Lawrence Welk on Sundays on PBS.  He has no clue what Twitter is and quite frankly nor does he care, but he knew it was something special because he said I was running around like a chicken with its head chopped off.  I've never seen a chicken minus its head. other than in a roasting pan, nor do I want to, but I was excited.  Robin Roberts has always held a special place in my heart.  A woman of faith with such grace and strength plus she played a mean game of basketball and if you grew up in Nanticoke, as I did, you loved basketball or moved to another town.  Please keep Robin in your thoughts and prayers as she recovers from the bone marrow transplant and consider signing up for the bone marrow registry.  

Thanks for stopping by.  Next week you'll meet Mom.  Ya all come back now, ya hear!